When life hands you lemons

When life hands you lemons ... make lemonade?

No.

First you roll out a multi-media campaign ...

... convincing people lemons are incredibly scarce.

Which only works if you stockpile lemons, control the supply.

Then a media blitz

• Lemon is the only way to say “I love you”
• Roses are out, lemons are in
• Lemons are the must-have accessory for engagements or anniversaries
• Billboards that say she won’t have sex with you unless you got lemons
• You cut De Beers in on it.
  Limited edition lemon bracelets, yellow diamonds called lemon drops
• You get Apple to call their new operating system OS-Lemón.
  A little accent over the “o.”
• You charge 40% more for organic lemons,
  50% more for conflict-free lemons
• You pack the Capitol with lemon lobbyists
• You get a Kardashian to suck a lemon wedge in a leaked sex tape
• Timotheé Chalamet wears lemon shoes at Cannes
• Get a hashtag campaign.
  Something isn’t “cool” or “tight” or “awesome,” no, it’s “#lemon.”
• Did you see that movie?
  Did you see that concert?
  It was effing lemon.
• Billie Eilish, “OMG, #lemon.”
• You get Dr. Oz to recommend 4 lemons a day
  and a lemon suppository supplement
  to get rid of toxins
  ‘cause there’s nothing scarier than toxins.

Then you patent the seeds

You write a line of genetic code
that makes the lemons look just a little more like tits

You get a gene patent for the tit-lemon DNA sequence

You cross-pollinate …

And You get those seeds circulating in the wild

And then you sue the farmer for copyright infringement
when that genetic code shows up on their land.

Sit back, rake in the millions

And then, when you’re done

And you’ve sold your lem-pire for a few billion dollars

Then ...

and only then ...

you make some fucking lemonade.

• by Roderick Usher